called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
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I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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