how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
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Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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