you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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