your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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