The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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