Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
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this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
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He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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