Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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