He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
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i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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