Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
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It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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