I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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