Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
4 words: hood of his car
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
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Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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