Already got asked if we're dating
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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