I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
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HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize