I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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