Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
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I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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