i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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