So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
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It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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