Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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