Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
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Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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