I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize