I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
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I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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