I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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