dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
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God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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