The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
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Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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