I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
home. puking in laundry basket.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize