Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
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I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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