I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
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Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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