gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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