life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
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He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
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All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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