Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize