That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
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Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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