We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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