I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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