new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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