i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize