my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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