U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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