I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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