I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
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The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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