phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
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Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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