i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
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i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
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I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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