i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
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I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
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Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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