You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
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explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
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We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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