Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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