Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
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At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
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Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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