If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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