I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize