I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
from now on my penis is your penis
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
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Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You dont lie about slip and slides
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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