i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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