my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
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Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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